10) ORPHAN (dir. Jaume Collet-Serra)
I can fathom a twist - even if it's a completely ludicrous out-of-left-field one - but Orphan just stretches things too far for even the widest of throat-holes to swallow. It would be less of an issue if the preceding two hours hadn't been a such a laborious chore to wade through.
9) 2012 (dir. Roland Emmerich)
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel... sleepy. A movie so lost for original ideas, it cannibalises its own set-pieces - we don't need THREE separate action sequences involving planes trying to outrun something during take-off. Plus, it's biggest "oh-wow" moment was already shown in the equally turgid Deep Impact.
8) Knowing (dir. Alex Proyas)
Sticking with the disaster theme, although at least Knowing had a couple of decent moments of carnage (albeit with some extremely dodgy CGI on display). Shame, then, that its cast were sleepwalking through their roles and generally acting like the END OF THE FUCKING WORLD is little more than a minor inconvenience. And the ending smacks so hard on your gag reflex that you'd think it was your prom date's tongue.
7) Observe and Report (dir. Jody Hill)
Maybe I'm just getting prudish in my old age, but a scene where a bi-polar asshole date-rapes a dumb counter assistant just ain't my idea of funny. I'm all for beating the hell out of comedic boundaries, but there has to be some kind of reasoning behind it other than, "Ooooooh, look how tasteless we're being now!" Hill has a knack for creating great douchebags - witness Eastbound and Down or The Foot Fist Way - but here it just doesn't play.
6) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (dir. David Fincher)
A movie I was so desperate to like, and so excited to finally see up on screen. And yet, for all its attempts, it's a soulless, dry affair devoid of any warmth. And the Forrest Gump parallels I'd feared turned out to be wholly true.
5) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (dir. Michael Bay)
The 150-minute cinematic equivalent of getting your head drilled with a jackhammer while an ADD teenage racist hogs your Xbox.
4) Martyrs (dir. Pascal Laugier)
So the last thirty minutes are meant to be a riposte to excessive screen violence, yeah? Fair enough - why are the sixty minutes before it so languid and predictable then?
3) Crank: High Voltage (dir. Neveldine & Taylor)
The first Crank was a hoot, thriving on the whole existential notion that once you accept your own demise, you're free to do whatever you want. So reviving the main character and giving him the goal of surviving the whole picture makes that kinda redundant, no?
2) I Love You, Beth Cooper (dir. Chris Columbus)
Actually, I fucking hate you, Beth Cooper. And everyone in your shitty, flailing-attempt-at-post-modern movie too.
1) Couples Retreat (dir. Peter Billingsley)
In which eight deeply unlikeable characters go on holiday, and then very little else happens for two hours. The climactic scene is a Guitar Hero battle, for fuck's sake. Every vaguely-talented performer involved should hang their head in shame for sucking every laugh out of this movie by hammering home awful punchlines, repeating mirthless catchphrases and generally hamming the shit out their performances. Unequivocally the most painful cinema experience of my year, and one that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemies. Yeah, it's that bad.
Note - I was pretty hasty in writing this, so sorry if it's a bit garbled. Also, I didn't bother seeing the following contenders for this list: Twilight: New Moon; Fired Up; Dance Flick; The Ugly Truth; Whiteout; Marley & Me.
Lesbian Vampire Killers and Surrogates just missed out on places, too.
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