This was, at one point, a fairly ingenious script that retold the Hood legend from the Sheriff of Nottingham's viewpoint. That was until ego-monster Russell Crowe came on board, first deeming himself to play both roles (hey, if it's good enough for Van Damme, right?), before relegating himself to the single character of Robin Hood and adding another generic telling of an already over-stuffed canon. To add insult to injury, we can't even expect Gladiator-style grue, on account of the tot-friendly PG-13 rating it's received.
PRINCE OF PERSIA (May 21)
"It's the new Pirates of the Caribbean!" touted the producers. "No! It's the new Mummy Returns!" replied the audiences, unimpressed with the dodgy accents, confusing SFX and garbled narrative evidenced in the trailer. It also seems to have glossed over the fact that the funnest part of the original game was making the Prince repeatedly fall down a hole and impale his bollocks on some spikes.
SEX AND THE CITY 2 (May 28)
Oh. Jesus. No.
SHREK FOREVER AFTER (Jul 2)
The fourth entry in a franchise that spluttered to a halt around five minutes into its second outing. Expect to be bludgeoned over the head with pop culture references that'll already be stale by the time you leave the cinema, and more braying Eddie Murphy-isms - the kind that keep lining his pockets so he can go off and make more films like Meet Dave. Kids will lap it up, but then kids are fucking stupid.
This isn't the one where it all goes batshit insane. That's the next one. Instead, expect more mournful shoulder-lurching and sparkly bloodsuckers. A franchise crossover with the Blade series is already long overdue.
INCEPTION (Jul 16)
One of three reasons to actually make a trip to your local multiplex, this is just ticking boxes all over the place: Di Caprio; Nolan; eye-boggling special effects; Cottilard; Joseph Gordon-Levitt... Of course, it could end up being a redux of Minority Report by way of The Matrix Reloaded, but try to think positive here.
TOY STORY 3 (Jul 23)
And here's another one of those reasons, although Pixar's increasing dependency of sequels is becoming a concern.
THE A-TEAM (Jul 30)
Seen the trailer? Then you've already most likely seen all the best bits. I've heard rumblings that this is not-good-at-all...
Adam Sandler? David Spade? Chris Rock? Kevin James? Rob Schneider? Sounds less like a summer event movie, and more like an endurance test brewed in the depths of Hell. Every time Sandler steps out of his comfort zone (Punch Drunk Love; Funny People), he leaps right back into it for another five years. As such, fuck 'im.
PREDATORS (Aug 13)
Oh, cool! A sequel / reboot / whatever to a franchise whose combined domestic gross was less than that of Scary Movie 4! Just what we always wanted! Some things genuinely belong in the 80s...
THE EXPENDABLES (Aug 20)
Speaking of which... What kind of crazy alternate universe did I step into, where people are genuinely excited by a movie toplined by Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren and Steve Austin? This is cynical nostalgia-pandering at its very worst, coupled with a trailer that makes it sound like it was penned by a six year-old with some crayons.
SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD (Aug 27)
And here's reason #3, although by the time it hits screens there's a good chance you'll have torched your local movie house in protest.
My advice? Seek out some of the smaller stuff doing the rounds this summer. There's re-releases of Five Easy Pieces, Rashomon and A bout de souffle on the cards, as well as new movies from Michael Winterbottom (The Killer Inside Me), Noah Baumbach (Greenberg) and Francis Ford Coppola (Tetro).
Or you could just watch the football. I know I probably will, and my national team didn't even qualify. Thanks a bunch, Hollywood.
Amen to that. And as a confirmed SATC fan, I just know that it's going to be execrable. Mind you, I have vague hopes that Predators may be worth the price of the ticket.
ReplyDeleteEr, ahem, I think you're forgetting that Berenger is also in Inception as well. Yet another good reason to see it.
ReplyDeleteI saw the trailer for Greenberg. It will either be absolutely brilliant or absolute navel gazing torture.