Seven Interesting Facts About Danny Dyer

When he's not writing relationship advice in cheap-wank publications squarely aimed at illiterate morons, Daniel Amadeus Dyer (b. 24 July, 1977) makes a healthy living appearing in British feature films squarely aimed at cine-illiterate morons. He's been carving out a niche in the industry for over ten years, cropping up in such diverse timeless gems as Human Traffic (the shit Trainspotting) and Doghouse (the shit Shaun of the Dead). But Dyer himself remains a somewhat camera-shy individual away from his film and agony cunt aunt work. After what feels like literally minutes of tireless research, I've compelled seven interesting facts about Mr Dyer that may help throw a little light on his towering, methodical approach to characterisation.

1. Danny Dyer was the first British baby to be born on the backseat of a Ford Fiesta. Other notable Fiesta-births include that slapper who used to show you her tits for 50p at school, and Chelsea / England defender Ashley Cole.
2. Dyer excelled at secondary school in his formative years. His top subjects included crayons and weeing up the toilet wall. His record of 7ft 11in (as measured by classmate Alan Harris) has yet to be beaten. A plaque in the boy's bogs of the science block at the Canning Town School For Special Children confirms this feat.
3. Although his first screen credit is Prime Suspect 3, eagle-eyed 80s children may remember Dyer playing the role of Mike in the CITV sitcom Mike & Angelo, about a kid whose creepy adult mate is actually an alien. And a bit of a nob.
4. Dyer's on-screen wide-boy persona is actually an example of his dedication to Method performance. Danny has, in fact, never been to Essex on account of a phobia of flat land. As a result, he lives half-way up a mountain in Wales.
5. Despite professing a love of all things football - and in particular West Ham - Danny is hampered by the fact that a childhood incident involving a spud gun left him unable to see spherical objects. This is why he can spend days on end staring directly at the sun, to no optical damage whatsoever.
6. In 2008, Dyer released an album of grime-core rap songs derived from theme tunes to vintage television cartoons. The single "Thundercats - Ho" was a top 75 hit in Bulgaria.
7. Saying Danny Dyer's name five times in the mirror will summon him to appear behind you, in order to give you a right shhlap.

Danny Dyer - I salute you. As long as you promise to keep making movies, I promise to keep not watching them.